5 YEARS
A boy from New Zealand brought me back to this blog.
He wrote me poems of sweet nothings, and I broke his heart. As these thoughts and admirations burn holes in my mind as a deep fog lie ahead, unsure of where to take the next step.
A life that has been lived by a 22 year old girl, who still feels like she's out of touch and all in tune with 17.
17 years I had it all. I knew it all, and thought I had a direction. A voice, a path set before my wobbly and shaky feet tied firm to the ground ahead of me.
I knew who I wanted and what I wanted out of life. A passion and creativity that had been lost with age.
Rereading the depth and soul of the emotion in the all american 17 year old girl exposed shallow water and its pollution at the surface. Current contentment as regret. Loss of who I am as a person swirls around in my head as I dream of brown kisses, and lake side views.
Emotions suppressed. Anxieties digressed. Control becoming out of control. Strength paradigm'd in weakness.
Depth of the ocean, and depth of the soul. All things which have made me feel alive - slipping right through my fingers like the sand of Auckland.
Now as an adult, the numbing has come as we are told to stand tall, and to act like you know what you want out of life, when really no body does.
Passion.
Lost.
Which once used to exemplify every aspect of belief. Yet passion is so physical. So emotionless. So lost in translation.
Seeking youth and light to last more than these last 5 years.
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